ready to fight

I had to be out of town for a couple of days.  It was my mother in law's 80th birthday.  My brother in law bought a plane ticket for both his brother and I to go out for the event.  It was awkward to say the least.  But I was there for my kids' grandmother.  So I tried to make it about her.

I wanted to post about this last week, but I just didn't have time.  The "ready to fight" mode.  Asking a question that he thought I knew the answer to.  I didn't know.  The answer I got was snappy.  Hurtful.  Not the words but the tone.  We have never fought much.  There were maybe disagreements but I didn't share my feelings, my thoughts.  I wanted to avoid the conflict.  I learned to push it all down and deal with it on my own.  Work through my feelings in a vacuum.  Not good I know.  Which has led me to where I am today.  I know that.  I take full responsibility for that.

But back to this conversation.  I realized that we are both ready to fight.  There is so much anger and hurt there.  From years of not communicating.  In that moment I had my feelings hurt.  Started to cry.   i tried to hide that.  He apologized for his tone.  It was very amicable.  I guess.

This is an ugly time.  It's hard and uncomfortable.  The temptation to make it comfortable, go back to old habits, smooth it over.  That used to be a little nagging feeling I had.  Maybe I should suck it up and just be secretly miserable.  But I can't.  I won't.  I've learned things about myself that I won't give up.  I've learned new ways of being that aren't compatible with my old way of being.  And I prefer this hard path.  The horizon is promising.  It's just getting through the woods now that's hard.