Wednesday, January 18, 2012

the long overdue update

Life got really crazy with the holidays.  And my desire to balance normalcy with the fact that a very new kind of normal was on it's way.  So the holiday?  The kids' dad decided that to keep things more normal looking, the kids would pick out  few things for us and we would fill our own Christmas stockings.  Apparently that meant different things to both of us.  Or the fact that He was in a place of still being very pissed at me and my choices.  The day itself was very hard for me.  I'm not sure I should go into it all here. But I was pissed.  At Him.  But I still tried to make it a good day for my kiddos.  They all had a good Christmas.  And that's what really matters, right?

We sat them all down on the 27th to tell them about the decision.  I got to be the lucky one to say the words, "We are getting a divorce."  The reactions were varied.  From no visible reaction to anger and sadness.  One son still really has no negative reaction.  I think he's old enough to know that it will all be OK in the end.  My youngest has had episodes of clinginess.  My middle daughter who has a really hard time with changes and transitions is still having a hard time.  But for now we have settled into a new normal.

I have moved all of my stuff into our basement bedroom.  I have my own space, my own bathroom and a lock on my door.  Their dad gets the little girls ready for school and then leaves for work.  I get up and hang out with the kindergartener in the mornings, take him to school.  Then I am still around in the afternoons to help with homework, carpools, make dinner and oversee the clean up.  Their dad is home around dinner, sometimes earlier or later.  He often does the bedtime thing, but a couple of nights he's working at a brew pub pouring pints so he isn't home until late so I'm the parent on call then.  The hard part has been the weekends.  He's been home.  He's in charge of meals.  What do I do with myself?

I've found this new luxury called "free time".  I do some errands on Saturday.  I've been going to Weight Watchers again to help me stay focused on eating healthy.  (I was losing weight for no apparent reason-HA!)  And then I've spent the past 2 Saturday's heading downtown to see a friend, have lunch, hang out, do whatever I want.  Sunday I go to my new church.  I have my time in the afternoon.  Then I'm back to work on Sunday night and a new week starts.  I'm still finding a balance with being present for my kids and giving them space to be with their dad.

I've always been the one they asked everything of.  Can I have a snack, what's for dinner, can I have a sleep over, can we go somewhere....  And if I am around, they simply won't talk to their dad about any of that.  For a variety of reasons.  I feel like they need to have space to talk to him, that I have to force it or it won't happen.  My room isn't off limits to them if I'm home.  But they don't usually come looking for me.

It's a new family dynamic.  Sometimes it feels like it's working.  Sometimes I feel like the nanny and the maid.  I'm learning to let things go.  A lot of things.  I'm trying to figure a lot of things out.  There's a lot to figure out.