Monday, December 12, 2011


Christmas is coming.  I have 6 kids.  So no matter where my head is these days, I still have to be thinking about them.  And making this a good season to remember for them.  We are both trying to stay focused on them right now.  What will make this memorable for them.  In a good way.

A friend advised me to stay in my house as long as possible.  It will save us money.  Or it will save me money.  And it prolongs things for the kids.  I'm torn about that.  She suggested just moving into a different room.  I've done that.  I sleep in the basement.  And even TFOMC (the father of my children) called the extra room in the basement "my room" the other day.  All the kids now know I sleep there.  I haven't completely moved in there I guess.  My clothes are still in the closet upstairs.  That's where I go to shower.

Would making the move completely downstairs change things enough for me?  Not really....  I want to be out from under the same roof.  I don't want to live in the tension.  But it's good for my kids right now.  And that's my focus for the next few weeks.

The process...what comes next....feels really overwhelming to me.  Both financially and logistically.  Emotionally?  Not so much.  I've been so good at keeping my heart to myself that we feel like really good roommates.  Who co-parent our 6 kids.  And the co-parenting has gotten a lot better in the past few months.  Even if we do have different opinions about the way some things should be.  I'm learning to voice my opinions about the kids more.  I'm learning to share the little things more.  I'm encouraging my kids to share with their dad so he can be closer to them.  All the while pulling further away from him myself.

Life is complicated right now.  I'm just trying to stay focused.

Friday, December 9, 2011

Two years

After I shard my story with some friends, I realized I'm not alone in this struggle.  There are more women out there like me.  Feeling tied to a marriage that isn't working.  But things are complicated.  It looks different for all of us.  And no choices are one size fits all.  I'm glad I can share my story.  And I listen to the story of others to remind me that I will come out on the other side.

I met with a friend the other day that completely understands my story.  It's so beautiful to be with her.  To share the happiness of the moments.  To share the sorrow of the moments.  To look at her and see where I can be some day.  Two years, she said.  Know that things will be in place in 2 years.

So today I'm working on my list of the things I don't want to do.  The things that are hard.  And I'm thinking about what my life will look like in 2 years.

Wednesday, December 7, 2011


I'm really good at it.  Even when I don't want to go.

I went Monday and was honest about everything.  Then I left with my appointment for next week scheduled.  Once I started thinking about what I had said there, I started to think about what that all means.  What is my motivation for some of the things I said.

I'm really good at compartmentalizing life.  It's a survival skill I learned early on.  Really early on.  It served me well when I needed it.  And it works now when I have to be a functioning mama in the midst of a crisis.

But yesterday I felt like all my little boxes had been dumped out on the floor and I desperately wanted to put all those pieces away.  Except they were all mixed up.  And so was I.

It's not that I was so quick to stop dealing with my "issues" (for lack of a better word).  But I know that my time in therapy will be very limited in this season and I need to make as much sense of things as I can on my own right now and not wait till next week.

As I put things away, I realized things I am sure of.  Things I don't want to face and need to.  And things I need to face but just can't yet.  I have so many questions about what the next season will look like.  It's not the season I'm looking forward to.  I am looking forward to what comes after that.

So in this moment I am thankful that I have the time to think.  I am thankful for those who really get me.  And I'm thankful for the love and forgiveness I get to experience when I least expect it.

making a list

I'm not a good finisher.  I leave things undone.  My bachelor's degree being probably the biggest thing I've left undone.  Two units.  That's it.  And in ridiculous things.  But that's another story.

I find myself not wanting to end this well.  I find myself looking at the future.  The horizon.  6 months from now.  9 months from now.  A year.  I see good things there.  And I want to focus my attention there.  All of it.

There are details to be done now.  Things that are hard.  Things that I am really really good at avoiding.  Really good.  But to get where I'm headed, I have to do the hard part.

I have to remind myself that it can't be worse than it is now.  Maybe like a shot.  It stings for a second, but it's for my own good?  It may be hard and ugly.  But it already is.  To get to the good part down the road, it might sting a little.

So today I will make a list of what needs to be done to finish well.  Making the list seems overwhelming in an of itself.  But I've come to far to not finish well.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

ready to fight

I had to be out of town for a couple of days.  It was my mother in law's 80th birthday.  My brother in law bought a plane ticket for both his brother and I to go out for the event.  It was awkward to say the least.  But I was there for my kids' grandmother.  So I tried to make it about her.

I wanted to post about this last week, but I just didn't have time.  The "ready to fight" mode.  Asking a question that he thought I knew the answer to.  I didn't know.  The answer I got was snappy.  Hurtful.  Not the words but the tone.  We have never fought much.  There were maybe disagreements but I didn't share my feelings, my thoughts.  I wanted to avoid the conflict.  I learned to push it all down and deal with it on my own.  Work through my feelings in a vacuum.  Not good I know.  Which has led me to where I am today.  I know that.  I take full responsibility for that.

But back to this conversation.  I realized that we are both ready to fight.  There is so much anger and hurt there.  From years of not communicating.  In that moment I had my feelings hurt.  Started to cry.   i tried to hide that.  He apologized for his tone.  It was very amicable.  I guess.

This is an ugly time.  It's hard and uncomfortable.  The temptation to make it comfortable, go back to old habits, smooth it over.  That used to be a little nagging feeling I had.  Maybe I should suck it up and just be secretly miserable.  But I can't.  I won't.  I've learned things about myself that I won't give up.  I've learned new ways of being that aren't compatible with my old way of being.  And I prefer this hard path.  The horizon is promising.  It's just getting through the woods now that's hard.