I've lived on my own for over a week now.  Since June 29, to be exact.  That's the first night I spent in my house alone.  I haven't died and I've only broken 1 thing I haven't figured out how to fix yet, so I think I am doing ok.

It's a strange feeling...this living on my own as a grown up.  I've never really done it.  I graduated from high school and went to college and then got married.  This is a whole new thing for me.  And doing it with 6 kids in tow has been interesting to say the least.

It's a hard transition for some of my kids.  I can tell by the attitudes they have sometimes, especially my 2 youngest daughters.  They are 8 and 11.  The 11 year old doesn't do well with change and transition. It makes her bitchy.  The younger one gets emotional and wants to control anything she can, like the tv.  But we are learning to make this transition.

My divorce is still pending.  We had a paper review of our case on July 3.  I waited until July 2 to finally get everything in so I could go over everything with TFOMC.  He had no idea we had to do it then.  I was trying to go over parenting plans and division of assessts and he had little to contribute.   He said, "I thought we had to go to mediation for all this, that they would explain everything to us then."  We didn't go to mediation because he didn't get his paperwork in and pay for it.  I guess he doesn't remember that part.

Then as I talked about how we could claim the kids for taxes for the next 12 years, he said, "I haven't really thought about any of this."  How can he not think about it?  Does he think it will magically happen on its own?  In CO the courts really want to just stay out of it and let the 2 parties come to an agreement and then sign off on it.  And has he really not thought about the future at all?  I guess maybe he's just still grieving, but at some point you have to think about what the future will be, don't you?

I just called the court a few minutes ago.  I turned in all my documents.  He had signed some of them but he didn't take off work to go to file them with me so he signature isn't notarized.  The clerk I spoke to asked me, "Is he going to participate in the divorce at all?"  So there is a delayed prevention order until August 9.  TFOMC has until that time to file his papers and go to the parenting after divorce class.  If he doesn't, then I can have a hearing.  If it's uncontested (I guess meaning that he doesn't show up then and have lots to say), then I can get my final hearing.

When we went to our initial status hearing, we were both given a sheet that said what we needed to turn in by July 2 for the paper review.  I did my part.  When I talked to TFOMC before I filed, he had no idea even where to find the documents online to fill them out.  I already sent him an email with that information months ago.

I find myself just really frustrated with him, angry that he's not doing his part.  But I guess this shouldn't surprise me.  This is how it's always been.  I've dealt with stuff.  He doesn't deal.  He goes to work and goes out with friends for beers then comes home and sits in his chair.

So now I am waiting on him to get his shit together.  And trying not to be angry because it won't get me anywhere.

why it got weird

This post is so long overdue.  I posted on my Facebook a couple a weeks ago that I had had a very weird day.  My life is wacky.  It is not as most expect.  It is full of joy and happiness and redemption and restoration.  But it's very weird.

Let me start by saying this blog is called "an honest start" because I needed to a place to be honest about how I am feeling, what is happening in my life.  I've been really good at playing the game of keeping up appearances and being who I thought the world expected me to be.  Even though a lot of the people who read this blog are cyber friends and I've never met them IRL, I have still not shared all my story because I didn't want judgement.  I have to be really honest now.

I came to my complete and final decision that I wanted to divorce TFOMC and move on last Labor Day weekend.  I knew.  I was finished.  I wasn't able to tell him, but it was done in my heart.  I still had processing to do and I am in a different place emotionally than I was then.  But my decision had been made.  Within a couple weeks I reconnected with an old acquaintance on FB.  He and I had known each other long ago and had always enjoyed talking, but it was nothing more than that.  Until last September.  We started talking again and it was different this time.  For both of us.  He was waiting for his divorce to be final.  He had been in a broken marriage that had in many ways been over for years as well.  I fell in love with him.  He's far away.  If you read my FB statuses, you can probably guess the city he's in though I won't say it here.  Because I'm trying to be all anonymous and stuff.  He loves me.  We want to be together soon.  When my divorce is final we have plans for a future.  I could go more into our story but I'll save that for another time.  It's hard for me to put that all out there and not expect judgement.  But I'm learning that this is part of a bigger plan.  I'll post more about that later.  I didn't plan to have an affair.  But I did.  And now it's so much bigger than that ugly word.  He and I call it our romance.  So for now he'll be my SO here.

That is honestly not why it's weird.  Far from it.

I didn't tell TFOMC for a long time about my SO.  I didn't want to hurt TFOMC.  I wanted my motives for telling to be right.  Not to hurt him.  Not to spite him.  I did want to protect him.  And then just before Christmas I began to have my suspicion's that TFOMC had Another Woman.  Let's be honest.  I checked the cell phone bill and saw the conversations.  I know why people talk for 128 minutes at 10:30 at night.  I knew it first hand.  There was Another Woman.  And I was happy for him.  I want TFOMC to be happy.  He could be a great husband.  Just not to me.

On Valentine's Day, he admitted that he was "digging" Another Woman.  He left it there.  We also had a scheduled appointment to talk a few days later.  We were supposed to talk about the progress of the divorce, custody, bankruptcy.  But I was also going to bring up Another Woman.

TFOMC confirmed that he was in a relationship with Another Woman.  We talked through that.  I am happy for him, for them.  It's taken some processing, but I am in a very good place with that.  I had lunch with Another Woman on Friday.  It lasted over 2 hours.  My SO said, "I knew you were either getting along or killing each other."  Is she my new best friend?  No.  But do I believe we can work on a relationship that is healthy for my kids' sake?  Most definitely!

So after TFOMC's confession that morning, I then told him I was seeing someone as well.  He asked who and I told him.  They knew each other long ago.  They have mutual friends and a lot of common points in their lives.  TFOMC's reaction?  "Really? I love that guy!"  I said, "yeah, me too...."  I told him it was serious with my SO.  And TFOMC was thrilled to know that there is a plan.  That there will be a home.  That there will be family.

We then spent the next 48 hours talking away from the kids about Another Woman and my SO.  We talked about our respective relationships.  How they are different.  How they are healing us.  How we see these 2 new people coming in and the 10 of us creating a new sense of family.  It has been hard for me in some ways.  Another Woman has taken my place in the social circle.  But if I am honest, I didn't ever feel like I fit in that circle to begin with.  I know Another Woman will never replace me in my kids' life.  But I know she will have a place in their lives.  And I am choosing to graciously embrace that.  My SO won't replace TFOMC but he will have a place there.

I feel like this is so much information to get out here.  I can't even really express all I feel right now.

Another Woman doesn't have kids.  This is a whole new thing for her.  My SO has 3 kids.  He also has an ex-wife that is having a hard time with all of this.  (I'm going to call her TheMotherOfHisChildren.) So there are those things to consider too.  That's definitely another post.

My oldest daughter has known about my SO for a long time.  Too long.  I didn't want her to know, but she heard me on the phone.  She was angry at first.  But then she came to see that I'm happy.  That I love him.  That he loves me.  She's old enough to want her parents to be happy.  She's old enough to look down the road.  She also knows about Another Woman.  She's met her.  She likes her.  I like that.  Sixteen year old girls can't have too many women to mentor them.

My oldest son knew about Another Woman before he knew about my SO.  He really likes Another Woman.  He's really interested in my SO.  But 14-year-old boys aren't in such in a hurry to build relationships over the phone.  But he's happy for both me and TFOMC.  He told me not to have a lame wedding.  I'm his mom and my wedding should be cool.

My middle son knows about Another Woman.  He doesn't know about my SO but he told TFOMC who he thinks I should be dating.  And it's NOT my SO...  But I think he's ready for the info that there is someone there.

The 3 younger kids won't be told while we are still under the same roof.  That's the plan.  But Another Woman is coming to be with them while TFOMC and I go to court on Wednesday morning.  That feels a little strange to me.  And a lot natural.  There is no one else I would want with them more than their other mama.

So now you know my story.  Why my life is weird.  It feels very counter to what I've always been told that divorce is supposed to look like.  But I see God in it.  I feel Him moving in my heart.  I see Him in TFOMC and my SO.  Another Woman is experiencing it too.

Last Sunday night I went to a church service with a friend of mine.  The soloist was singing a song about Brokenness.  I had a vision.  I was standing holding hands with TFOMC.  On the other side of him he was holding hands with Another Woman.  On the other side of me I was holding hands with my SO.  And on the other side of him, he was holding hands with TMOHC.  And God was calling out to us, saying "I want to restore you to Me.  Your restoration to me is more important than your marriages.  It's more important that you are in relationship with Me than married."  It was huge for me.  I told my SO and he cried.  I told TFOMC and he cried.  I told Another Woman and she cried.  We have all grown up in this church that has taught us that being married is best, getting a divorce is awful.  God clearly spoke to me and told me that the spiritual awakening I am experiencing is more important than staying married.

My mind has been spinning with this idea.  So I'm telling my story now.  My life is weird.  God is moving in my life.  I am being restored.  And I am at peace.

Happy Valentine's Day!

TFOMC stayed at work late last night (ie drinking beer and eating wings with "the boys") and still wasn't home when I left for work at 9:20.  So he got divorce papers for Valentine's Day.

I feel evil because that makes me a little happy!

I filed!

It was almost anti-climactic to get it done.  The clerk of court was really nice to me.  I had to fill out one more paper and she didn't treat me like an idiot at all.

So the process is officially in motion.  I'm happy.  Elated.

Now I have to read my documents to see what I need to do for my hearing in March.

the long overdue update

Life got really crazy with the holidays.  And my desire to balance normalcy with the fact that a very new kind of normal was on it's way.  So the holiday?  The kids' dad decided that to keep things more normal looking, the kids would pick out  few things for us and we would fill our own Christmas stockings.  Apparently that meant different things to both of us.  Or the fact that He was in a place of still being very pissed at me and my choices.  The day itself was very hard for me.  I'm not sure I should go into it all here. But I was pissed.  At Him.  But I still tried to make it a good day for my kiddos.  They all had a good Christmas.  And that's what really matters, right?

We sat them all down on the 27th to tell them about the decision.  I got to be the lucky one to say the words, "We are getting a divorce."  The reactions were varied.  From no visible reaction to anger and sadness.  One son still really has no negative reaction.  I think he's old enough to know that it will all be OK in the end.  My youngest has had episodes of clinginess.  My middle daughter who has a really hard time with changes and transitions is still having a hard time.  But for now we have settled into a new normal.

I have moved all of my stuff into our basement bedroom.  I have my own space, my own bathroom and a lock on my door.  Their dad gets the little girls ready for school and then leaves for work.  I get up and hang out with the kindergartener in the mornings, take him to school.  Then I am still around in the afternoons to help with homework, carpools, make dinner and oversee the clean up.  Their dad is home around dinner, sometimes earlier or later.  He often does the bedtime thing, but a couple of nights he's working at a brew pub pouring pints so he isn't home until late so I'm the parent on call then.  The hard part has been the weekends.  He's been home.  He's in charge of meals.  What do I do with myself?

I've found this new luxury called "free time".  I do some errands on Saturday.  I've been going to Weight Watchers again to help me stay focused on eating healthy.  (I was losing weight for no apparent reason-HA!)  And then I've spent the past 2 Saturday's heading downtown to see a friend, have lunch, hang out, do whatever I want.  Sunday I go to my new church.  I have my time in the afternoon.  Then I'm back to work on Sunday night and a new week starts.  I'm still finding a balance with being present for my kids and giving them space to be with their dad.

I've always been the one they asked everything of.  Can I have a snack, what's for dinner, can I have a sleep over, can we go somewhere....  And if I am around, they simply won't talk to their dad about any of that.  For a variety of reasons.  I feel like they need to have space to talk to him, that I have to force it or it won't happen.  My room isn't off limits to them if I'm home.  But they don't usually come looking for me.

It's a new family dynamic.  Sometimes it feels like it's working.  Sometimes I feel like the nanny and the maid.  I'm learning to let things go.  A lot of things.  I'm trying to figure a lot of things out.  There's a lot to figure out.