Tuesday, November 29, 2011


Today my youngest had a bit of a meltdown about going to school.  He's 6. In afternoon kindergarten.  He has the morning to stay in his pj's and play.  Do whatever he wants.  I've always liked that laid back schedule for him. Kind of doesn't really feel like my baby is in school yet.

But today he didn't want to go to school.  In all honesty this happens about every third week.  He'd rather stay in his pj's and hang out all day.  I get that.  I think it's totally normal.  Except for today.

Today I started to wonder if it's because he "knows".  According to his father, every mood, every sibling rivalry, every act of disobedience with any of the kids is because they all "know".  I'm not sure how much of that is true.  The oldest one, my 15 year old daughter?  Yeah, she knows.  Because she's almost a woman enough to get it.  She has a lot of the same issues that I do....feeling like she's never good enough, unable to share her true feelings for fear of rejection.  So yeah, she knows.

The others?  Maybe.  I started sleeping in the spare bedroom in our basement a few weeks ago.  I felt like I needed space.  My need to retreat.  Have a place to be without someone coming in.  Most of the kids know I'm sleeping there.  It is quiet.  And I can sleep undisturbed.  An important thing since I work nights and I need to sleep when I can.

Is that why my 6 year old didn't want to go to school today?  Or is that just my guilt kicking in?  Should I feel guilty for sleeping away from their dad?  Is it ok to give myself physical space while I find emotional space?  Am I already ruining everyone's lives?

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