Wednesday, January 18, 2012

the long overdue update

Life got really crazy with the holidays.  And my desire to balance normalcy with the fact that a very new kind of normal was on it's way.  So the holiday?  The kids' dad decided that to keep things more normal looking, the kids would pick out  few things for us and we would fill our own Christmas stockings.  Apparently that meant different things to both of us.  Or the fact that He was in a place of still being very pissed at me and my choices.  The day itself was very hard for me.  I'm not sure I should go into it all here. But I was pissed.  At Him.  But I still tried to make it a good day for my kiddos.  They all had a good Christmas.  And that's what really matters, right?

We sat them all down on the 27th to tell them about the decision.  I got to be the lucky one to say the words, "We are getting a divorce."  The reactions were varied.  From no visible reaction to anger and sadness.  One son still really has no negative reaction.  I think he's old enough to know that it will all be OK in the end.  My youngest has had episodes of clinginess.  My middle daughter who has a really hard time with changes and transitions is still having a hard time.  But for now we have settled into a new normal.

I have moved all of my stuff into our basement bedroom.  I have my own space, my own bathroom and a lock on my door.  Their dad gets the little girls ready for school and then leaves for work.  I get up and hang out with the kindergartener in the mornings, take him to school.  Then I am still around in the afternoons to help with homework, carpools, make dinner and oversee the clean up.  Their dad is home around dinner, sometimes earlier or later.  He often does the bedtime thing, but a couple of nights he's working at a brew pub pouring pints so he isn't home until late so I'm the parent on call then.  The hard part has been the weekends.  He's been home.  He's in charge of meals.  What do I do with myself?

I've found this new luxury called "free time".  I do some errands on Saturday.  I've been going to Weight Watchers again to help me stay focused on eating healthy.  (I was losing weight for no apparent reason-HA!)  And then I've spent the past 2 Saturday's heading downtown to see a friend, have lunch, hang out, do whatever I want.  Sunday I go to my new church.  I have my time in the afternoon.  Then I'm back to work on Sunday night and a new week starts.  I'm still finding a balance with being present for my kids and giving them space to be with their dad.

I've always been the one they asked everything of.  Can I have a snack, what's for dinner, can I have a sleep over, can we go somewhere....  And if I am around, they simply won't talk to their dad about any of that.  For a variety of reasons.  I feel like they need to have space to talk to him, that I have to force it or it won't happen.  My room isn't off limits to them if I'm home.  But they don't usually come looking for me.

It's a new family dynamic.  Sometimes it feels like it's working.  Sometimes I feel like the nanny and the maid.  I'm learning to let things go.  A lot of things.  I'm trying to figure a lot of things out.  There's a lot to figure out.


  1. You blog has brought me great sorrow. I stumbled across it by accident and it reminded me of a situation with my parents. As a child, I must warn you that it will not all necessarily be "ok" in the end. For two years now, my mother and I have barely had any kind of relationship. As a fellow Christian, I would encourage you to read the short book "Divorce: Before You Say I Don't" It points out many of the consequences that often parents are unaware of. Above all, cling to what is more pleasing to God. I don't mean what gives the most peace or most enjoyment, cling to God's Word as a guide. Remember that love is a choice. If it weren't God could never command us to love our spouses, love our neighbors, and love our enemies. It's something we must choose to do and work hard at. And remember that love is first an action and is followed by a feeling. The more you act in love towards someone, the stronger the emotions of love become. Around my parents’ divorce, I also came up with what I believe God says love is. If you want to see that, you can view my writing here:
    Praying that God is most glorified. Take Care.

  2. I think I should also say that I wrote with sadness over my parents and with much emotion. I pray you don't take any of this the wrong way. I only desire to present a child's viewpoint and urge caution. I wouldn't have said anything at all, but you are a fellow Christian and I was burdened to say something. I hope my words come across in love.

  3. Thanks for your comments. I did read your blog post and I agree with what you say. It's hard for you to get a clear picture of me from just a few blog posts. My parents divorced when I was 2. My mom remarried the man that I really thought of as my dad when I was 4 and they divorced 5 years later. She's since been in a miserable relationship for 31 years. There is no love there. It's been a terrible example to me....that as a wife I should just take whatever it is and be content with that. I don't want that example for my daughters. I agree that husbands are commanded to love their wives. What about when they don't? What about when they don't treat their wives with common courtesy? What about when the wife feels everything is a priority except her? What then? This isn't something I've entered into lightly. My parents have been divorced for nearly 39 years and I still feel the ramifications of their decision. But I believe it was the right one for them. And I believe it's the right one for me, too.

  4. You’re right, I can’t possibly know enough about you from blog posts. I should have been more considerate to explain that I can’t know your personality or situation. With that said though, I also can’t say much as to the best path to follow. Instead, I will try to answer your questions in a more general sense.

    What do you do when your spouse is living in sin?
    I believe the bible answers this question in Matthew 18:15-18. It describes the steps to follow as so:

    If your brother sins against you,

    ___1: go and tell him his fault privately

    If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen,

    ___Step 2: take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. (Often elders and deacons can help here)

    If he refuses to listen,

    ___Step 3: tell it to the church

    And if he refuses to listen even to the church,

    ___Step 4: let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. (Your church declares him an unbeliever)

    At this point, I believe another question come up.

    What does the bible say about divorce?

    First, for two Christians, Matthew 5:32 says:

    "But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery."

    But, this question is going to assume that the process in Matthew 18 has already been obeyed. (If your church is unwilling to assist here, you may need to evaluate whether it is being run by Godly leaders) And at this point, you would be a Christian married to an individual declared an unbeliever. In 1st Corinthians 7:14, the bible says:

    “If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him.”

    The exception then comes in verse 15:

    “But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”

    If the unbelieving spouse desires to leave you (either through divorce or through a continued behavior of adultery and abandonment), you are told to let the spouse leave. In the case of the continued abandonment, you may need to initiate the divorce yourself.

    In reference to your desire to be a good example to your children; I do admire this. However, the best example you can be is to demonstrate and follow the word of God in all of this (whatever that turns out to be). In this way, they learn to turn to God in their times of distress. Again, I don’t know your circumstances, and honestly, I have no business to know. It’s between you, your husband, and your church, and I respect this. I won’t say that you’re wrong or he’s right, because God doesn’t give me that right. All I can do is open His Word, but I can’t decide how it fits into your personal situation. If there’s any side to be on, it should always be God’s side.

    Now, please don't take any of this as an attack or argument. You do not need to defend yourself or explain anything. I was not writing to raise anything against you or hurt you. I simply wanted to share for you and any other readers what the bible has to say. Hopefully something in here will be encouraging, motivating, or somehow useful. I trust the Lord and pray he will direct you from here (whichever way that may need to be). His word will never return void and is a light for our paths. Take care, may God bless you and keep you and watch out over you.

    In His Grip,