Sunday, March 11, 2012

why it got weird

This post is so long overdue.  I posted on my Facebook a couple a weeks ago that I had had a very weird day.  My life is wacky.  It is not as most expect.  It is full of joy and happiness and redemption and restoration.  But it's very weird.

Let me start by saying this blog is called "an honest start" because I needed to a place to be honest about how I am feeling, what is happening in my life.  I've been really good at playing the game of keeping up appearances and being who I thought the world expected me to be.  Even though a lot of the people who read this blog are cyber friends and I've never met them IRL, I have still not shared all my story because I didn't want judgement.  I have to be really honest now.

I came to my complete and final decision that I wanted to divorce TFOMC and move on last Labor Day weekend.  I knew.  I was finished.  I wasn't able to tell him, but it was done in my heart.  I still had processing to do and I am in a different place emotionally than I was then.  But my decision had been made.  Within a couple weeks I reconnected with an old acquaintance on FB.  He and I had known each other long ago and had always enjoyed talking, but it was nothing more than that.  Until last September.  We started talking again and it was different this time.  For both of us.  He was waiting for his divorce to be final.  He had been in a broken marriage that had in many ways been over for years as well.  I fell in love with him.  He's far away.  If you read my FB statuses, you can probably guess the city he's in though I won't say it here.  Because I'm trying to be all anonymous and stuff.  He loves me.  We want to be together soon.  When my divorce is final we have plans for a future.  I could go more into our story but I'll save that for another time.  It's hard for me to put that all out there and not expect judgement.  But I'm learning that this is part of a bigger plan.  I'll post more about that later.  I didn't plan to have an affair.  But I did.  And now it's so much bigger than that ugly word.  He and I call it our romance.  So for now he'll be my SO here.

That is honestly not why it's weird.  Far from it.

I didn't tell TFOMC for a long time about my SO.  I didn't want to hurt TFOMC.  I wanted my motives for telling to be right.  Not to hurt him.  Not to spite him.  I did want to protect him.  And then just before Christmas I began to have my suspicion's that TFOMC had Another Woman.  Let's be honest.  I checked the cell phone bill and saw the conversations.  I know why people talk for 128 minutes at 10:30 at night.  I knew it first hand.  There was Another Woman.  And I was happy for him.  I want TFOMC to be happy.  He could be a great husband.  Just not to me.

On Valentine's Day, he admitted that he was "digging" Another Woman.  He left it there.  We also had a scheduled appointment to talk a few days later.  We were supposed to talk about the progress of the divorce, custody, bankruptcy.  But I was also going to bring up Another Woman.

TFOMC confirmed that he was in a relationship with Another Woman.  We talked through that.  I am happy for him, for them.  It's taken some processing, but I am in a very good place with that.  I had lunch with Another Woman on Friday.  It lasted over 2 hours.  My SO said, "I knew you were either getting along or killing each other."  Is she my new best friend?  No.  But do I believe we can work on a relationship that is healthy for my kids' sake?  Most definitely!

So after TFOMC's confession that morning, I then told him I was seeing someone as well.  He asked who and I told him.  They knew each other long ago.  They have mutual friends and a lot of common points in their lives.  TFOMC's reaction?  "Really? I love that guy!"  I said, "yeah, me too...."  I told him it was serious with my SO.  And TFOMC was thrilled to know that there is a plan.  That there will be a home.  That there will be family.

We then spent the next 48 hours talking away from the kids about Another Woman and my SO.  We talked about our respective relationships.  How they are different.  How they are healing us.  How we see these 2 new people coming in and the 10 of us creating a new sense of family.  It has been hard for me in some ways.  Another Woman has taken my place in the social circle.  But if I am honest, I didn't ever feel like I fit in that circle to begin with.  I know Another Woman will never replace me in my kids' life.  But I know she will have a place in their lives.  And I am choosing to graciously embrace that.  My SO won't replace TFOMC but he will have a place there.

I feel like this is so much information to get out here.  I can't even really express all I feel right now.

Another Woman doesn't have kids.  This is a whole new thing for her.  My SO has 3 kids.  He also has an ex-wife that is having a hard time with all of this.  (I'm going to call her TheMotherOfHisChildren.) So there are those things to consider too.  That's definitely another post.

My oldest daughter has known about my SO for a long time.  Too long.  I didn't want her to know, but she heard me on the phone.  She was angry at first.  But then she came to see that I'm happy.  That I love him.  That he loves me.  She's old enough to want her parents to be happy.  She's old enough to look down the road.  She also knows about Another Woman.  She's met her.  She likes her.  I like that.  Sixteen year old girls can't have too many women to mentor them.

My oldest son knew about Another Woman before he knew about my SO.  He really likes Another Woman.  He's really interested in my SO.  But 14-year-old boys aren't in such in a hurry to build relationships over the phone.  But he's happy for both me and TFOMC.  He told me not to have a lame wedding.  I'm his mom and my wedding should be cool.

My middle son knows about Another Woman.  He doesn't know about my SO but he told TFOMC who he thinks I should be dating.  And it's NOT my SO...  But I think he's ready for the info that there is someone there.

The 3 younger kids won't be told while we are still under the same roof.  That's the plan.  But Another Woman is coming to be with them while TFOMC and I go to court on Wednesday morning.  That feels a little strange to me.  And a lot natural.  There is no one else I would want with them more than their other mama.

So now you know my story.  Why my life is weird.  It feels very counter to what I've always been told that divorce is supposed to look like.  But I see God in it.  I feel Him moving in my heart.  I see Him in TFOMC and my SO.  Another Woman is experiencing it too.

Last Sunday night I went to a church service with a friend of mine.  The soloist was singing a song about Brokenness.  I had a vision.  I was standing holding hands with TFOMC.  On the other side of him he was holding hands with Another Woman.  On the other side of me I was holding hands with my SO.  And on the other side of him, he was holding hands with TMOHC.  And God was calling out to us, saying "I want to restore you to Me.  Your restoration to me is more important than your marriages.  It's more important that you are in relationship with Me than married."  It was huge for me.  I told my SO and he cried.  I told TFOMC and he cried.  I told Another Woman and she cried.  We have all grown up in this church that has taught us that being married is best, getting a divorce is awful.  God clearly spoke to me and told me that the spiritual awakening I am experiencing is more important than staying married.

My mind has been spinning with this idea.  So I'm telling my story now.  My life is weird.  God is moving in my life.  I am being restored.  And I am at peace.

1 comment:

  1. I'm happy for all of you. This is exactly what happened with my daughter. When the parents can get along it is so much better for the kids. I'm especially happy that you are at peace.