being poor

I've been poor a lot of my life.

I remember when my mom and my dad first got divorced in 1972.  Not a great year to be a single mom.  I slept in a crib until I was 4.  I remember eating oatmeal for dinner.  Because it was what we had.

There were lots of years with enough.  My mom worked when she didn't always need to so I could have dance lessons or voice lessons.  But in high school my step dad was in construction so there were lots of lean times while we waited to get paid.  I learned how to eat from a garden.  And cook weird cuts of meat you only get when you butcher your own hog.  Or get paid by a farmer in half a hog instead of actual money.

When I got married the first time, we didn't manage money well.  We struggled financially but it was our own doing.  We learned from it, I guess.  Then my ex-husband lost his job and has been underemployed ever since.

Somehow in the past 9 months, he's decided it's OK to not pay his child support.  His whopping $200 a month for 6 kids child support.  Granted, we have joint custody.  But I paid for all the haircuts.  The new shoes.  The school supplies.  Now I don't even get his help with that.

And my husband doesn't make enough money at his job.  The child support he pays is $1000. He makes a little more than that each month.  So that leaves me to earn the bulk of our income.  In the past 18 months we have gone through my retirement.  Through my savings.  Not living extravagantly.  Just living.  We have never taken my kids to a restaurant for a meal.  I've taken all 6 of them to Carl's Jr once in the past 18 months.  There is just no money for dining out.  We aren't starving.

We get food stamps.  And I am very good at budgeting that money.  I'm thankful that I know which cuts of meat are cheaper and how to prepare them.  I know how to do a lot from scratch.  I know how to use leftovers so food doesn't get wasted.  I'm so thankful for all I know.  So even though the bank account is nearly empty, we can sit down to a good meal and enjoy each other's company.  I can have snacks for my kids.  I'm thankful for that.  It makes a holiday like Thanksgiving go by without a hitch.  I can do a big meal with lots of family togetherness.

What I can't handle is the next holiday that is coming.  Watching Christmas specials with my kids leaves me in a puddle of tears.  I don't want to give them the world.  Or even electronics.  That's not the family we are these days.  I want to just be able to give them something. And today I don't know where the money will come from for that.  I really don't.

We have depleted the savings.  All of the extra money will soon be spent to pay this month's bills.  I don't know how we will pay our rent in January.  I believe that God is faithful.  I do.  I have seen Him come through for us time and again.  I like having a few hundred dollars in the bank for just in case.  Or to know that if I don't work enough hours, we will have something to fall back on.  I don't have any work scheduled after January 2.  Nothing.  No work.  No income.

My husband has been trying to get another job where he earns enough for the 14 months we have been married.  Doors keep closing.  He is discouraged to put it mildly.

I keep waiting for the change that I expect to come.  It's not coming.  All that's coming is tears.

I'm used to being poor.  I don't mind going without.  I don't mind having second hand furniture.  I don't mind shopping for my clothes at Goodwill.

But I just want to know that there will be enough.  Enough to buy my kids some things for Christmas.  Enough to pay the bills.  Enough for my husband to visit his children.  Enough work to pay the bills.  Enough faith to hold on another day.  I only ask for enough.

the one where I blame my step-mom

This step-parenting thing is so much harder than she made it look.  My step-mom started dating my dad when I was 5 I think.  They got married just after I turned 7.  Yes, she has been around most of my life.  Yes, I was still young and cute when they started out together.  I was easy to like if I don't say so myself.  :)  But she was just always there, with my dad, a part of my life.  I know I caused her grief.  I know there were times when she struggled with how to parent me.  But she did a really good job of being an adult in my life that loved me, was interested in me, shared herself with me.

How did she do it?!  I can't figure out the step-mothering part of my life right now.  Yes, my step-children are miles and miles away.  I have met the oldest one only twice.  I don't know how to build a relationship with her.  The younger 2 I spent some time with before their dad moved, before we were married.  I have only seen them once since.  Their dad goes to visit and I stay here.

The plan is for them to finally venture to our house this summer.  I'm nervous already and it's months away.  Even when I think we are on good terms and things are OK, I get a text, have a conversation where I am reminded that I am still very much on the outside.

I don't feel bad feelings from them.  I just feel nothing from them.  I don't know how to go deeper.  I don't know how my step-mom did it.  But she did.  She is a grandmother to my kids just like the 2 other grandmothers they have.  They know no difference.  But how do we get to that point?

an update

I feel like I have so much more to share but before I do, maybe I should make clear all that has happened since I last posted.

The last time I posted here I was waiting for my divorce to be final.  I went to court alone.  To the "default hearing".  Default because TFOMC had been notified that I had filed papers and yet he never did anything for the court.  I still don't know if he ever went to the parenting class or not.

My divorce was FINALLY final on September 6.  I kept hearing Taylor Swift's song "We are Never Getting Back Together" on the radio that day.  Appropriate, I guess.

On September 7 I flew to Houston to meet my SO.  That night he proposed.  I knew it was coming but I didn't expect it that night.

I knew it was coming because on September 8 we packed all of his belongings into a truck and started the journey to Denver.  (Texas is a HUGE state to drive through, btw!)  We arrived in Denver on September 10 to get him settled into this little house with me.  We were married on September 13.

A lot happened in a short amount of time.  But I knew it would.  My kids have now lived with this man that is their step-father for over 4 months.  They had met him only once before that.  That's been a big adjustment.  I am married to a man I absolutely adore.  He gets me.  He cares for me and shows me a dozen times a day.  He is my best friend.  It's weird.

I didn't grow up seeing lots of great marriages.  My mom was married for the third time when I was 11. I know some of my friends' parents had great marriages, but I wasn't around often enough to see how that really looked and worked.  I've had friends that have had great marriages.  And honestly, I was mostly skeptical that they could be that happy and not lying or drunk most of the time.

So now I have "that" marriage.   The happy one.  The one where I can't wait for a "date night".  The one where I can't wait for him to get home from work.  The one where I am so happy to just sit and be with him.

And it's hard.  Because now I have "that" marriage.  The one where I need to be honest about how I feel.  The one where I need to share my struggles and hurts to maintain the closeness we have.  The one where I need to not push him away when it gets hard but let him draw me to him.

I've been married for almost 5 months now.  It's beautiful.  It's amazing.  It is how it's supposed to be.  And I am at peace.

I've lived on my own for over a week now.  Since June 29, to be exact.  That's the first night I spent in my house alone.  I haven't died and I've only broken 1 thing I haven't figured out how to fix yet, so I think I am doing ok.

It's a strange feeling...this living on my own as a grown up.  I've never really done it.  I graduated from high school and went to college and then got married.  This is a whole new thing for me.  And doing it with 6 kids in tow has been interesting to say the least.

It's a hard transition for some of my kids.  I can tell by the attitudes they have sometimes, especially my 2 youngest daughters.  They are 8 and 11.  The 11 year old doesn't do well with change and transition. It makes her bitchy.  The younger one gets emotional and wants to control anything she can, like the tv.  But we are learning to make this transition.

My divorce is still pending.  We had a paper review of our case on July 3.  I waited until July 2 to finally get everything in so I could go over everything with TFOMC.  He had no idea we had to do it then.  I was trying to go over parenting plans and division of assessts and he had little to contribute.   He said, "I thought we had to go to mediation for all this, that they would explain everything to us then."  We didn't go to mediation because he didn't get his paperwork in and pay for it.  I guess he doesn't remember that part.

Then as I talked about how we could claim the kids for taxes for the next 12 years, he said, "I haven't really thought about any of this."  How can he not think about it?  Does he think it will magically happen on its own?  In CO the courts really want to just stay out of it and let the 2 parties come to an agreement and then sign off on it.  And has he really not thought about the future at all?  I guess maybe he's just still grieving, but at some point you have to think about what the future will be, don't you?

I just called the court a few minutes ago.  I turned in all my documents.  He had signed some of them but he didn't take off work to go to file them with me so he signature isn't notarized.  The clerk I spoke to asked me, "Is he going to participate in the divorce at all?"  So there is a delayed prevention order until August 9.  TFOMC has until that time to file his papers and go to the parenting after divorce class.  If he doesn't, then I can have a hearing.  If it's uncontested (I guess meaning that he doesn't show up then and have lots to say), then I can get my final hearing.

When we went to our initial status hearing, we were both given a sheet that said what we needed to turn in by July 2 for the paper review.  I did my part.  When I talked to TFOMC before I filed, he had no idea even where to find the documents online to fill them out.  I already sent him an email with that information months ago.

I find myself just really frustrated with him, angry that he's not doing his part.  But I guess this shouldn't surprise me.  This is how it's always been.  I've dealt with stuff.  He doesn't deal.  He goes to work and goes out with friends for beers then comes home and sits in his chair.

So now I am waiting on him to get his shit together.  And trying not to be angry because it won't get me anywhere.

why it got weird

This post is so long overdue.  I posted on my Facebook a couple a weeks ago that I had had a very weird day.  My life is wacky.  It is not as most expect.  It is full of joy and happiness and redemption and restoration.  But it's very weird.

Let me start by saying this blog is called "an honest start" because I needed to a place to be honest about how I am feeling, what is happening in my life.  I've been really good at playing the game of keeping up appearances and being who I thought the world expected me to be.  Even though a lot of the people who read this blog are cyber friends and I've never met them IRL, I have still not shared all my story because I didn't want judgement.  I have to be really honest now.

I came to my complete and final decision that I wanted to divorce TFOMC and move on last Labor Day weekend.  I knew.  I was finished.  I wasn't able to tell him, but it was done in my heart.  I still had processing to do and I am in a different place emotionally than I was then.  But my decision had been made.  Within a couple weeks I reconnected with an old acquaintance on FB.  He and I had known each other long ago and had always enjoyed talking, but it was nothing more than that.  Until last September.  We started talking again and it was different this time.  For both of us.  He was waiting for his divorce to be final.  He had been in a broken marriage that had in many ways been over for years as well.  I fell in love with him.  He's far away.  If you read my FB statuses, you can probably guess the city he's in though I won't say it here.  Because I'm trying to be all anonymous and stuff.  He loves me.  We want to be together soon.  When my divorce is final we have plans for a future.  I could go more into our story but I'll save that for another time.  It's hard for me to put that all out there and not expect judgement.  But I'm learning that this is part of a bigger plan.  I'll post more about that later.  I didn't plan to have an affair.  But I did.  And now it's so much bigger than that ugly word.  He and I call it our romance.  So for now he'll be my SO here.

That is honestly not why it's weird.  Far from it.

I didn't tell TFOMC for a long time about my SO.  I didn't want to hurt TFOMC.  I wanted my motives for telling to be right.  Not to hurt him.  Not to spite him.  I did want to protect him.  And then just before Christmas I began to have my suspicion's that TFOMC had Another Woman.  Let's be honest.  I checked the cell phone bill and saw the conversations.  I know why people talk for 128 minutes at 10:30 at night.  I knew it first hand.  There was Another Woman.  And I was happy for him.  I want TFOMC to be happy.  He could be a great husband.  Just not to me.

On Valentine's Day, he admitted that he was "digging" Another Woman.  He left it there.  We also had a scheduled appointment to talk a few days later.  We were supposed to talk about the progress of the divorce, custody, bankruptcy.  But I was also going to bring up Another Woman.

TFOMC confirmed that he was in a relationship with Another Woman.  We talked through that.  I am happy for him, for them.  It's taken some processing, but I am in a very good place with that.  I had lunch with Another Woman on Friday.  It lasted over 2 hours.  My SO said, "I knew you were either getting along or killing each other."  Is she my new best friend?  No.  But do I believe we can work on a relationship that is healthy for my kids' sake?  Most definitely!

So after TFOMC's confession that morning, I then told him I was seeing someone as well.  He asked who and I told him.  They knew each other long ago.  They have mutual friends and a lot of common points in their lives.  TFOMC's reaction?  "Really? I love that guy!"  I said, "yeah, me too...."  I told him it was serious with my SO.  And TFOMC was thrilled to know that there is a plan.  That there will be a home.  That there will be family.

We then spent the next 48 hours talking away from the kids about Another Woman and my SO.  We talked about our respective relationships.  How they are different.  How they are healing us.  How we see these 2 new people coming in and the 10 of us creating a new sense of family.  It has been hard for me in some ways.  Another Woman has taken my place in the social circle.  But if I am honest, I didn't ever feel like I fit in that circle to begin with.  I know Another Woman will never replace me in my kids' life.  But I know she will have a place in their lives.  And I am choosing to graciously embrace that.  My SO won't replace TFOMC but he will have a place there.

I feel like this is so much information to get out here.  I can't even really express all I feel right now.

Another Woman doesn't have kids.  This is a whole new thing for her.  My SO has 3 kids.  He also has an ex-wife that is having a hard time with all of this.  (I'm going to call her TheMotherOfHisChildren.) So there are those things to consider too.  That's definitely another post.

My oldest daughter has known about my SO for a long time.  Too long.  I didn't want her to know, but she heard me on the phone.  She was angry at first.  But then she came to see that I'm happy.  That I love him.  That he loves me.  She's old enough to want her parents to be happy.  She's old enough to look down the road.  She also knows about Another Woman.  She's met her.  She likes her.  I like that.  Sixteen year old girls can't have too many women to mentor them.

My oldest son knew about Another Woman before he knew about my SO.  He really likes Another Woman.  He's really interested in my SO.  But 14-year-old boys aren't in such in a hurry to build relationships over the phone.  But he's happy for both me and TFOMC.  He told me not to have a lame wedding.  I'm his mom and my wedding should be cool.

My middle son knows about Another Woman.  He doesn't know about my SO but he told TFOMC who he thinks I should be dating.  And it's NOT my SO...  But I think he's ready for the info that there is someone there.

The 3 younger kids won't be told while we are still under the same roof.  That's the plan.  But Another Woman is coming to be with them while TFOMC and I go to court on Wednesday morning.  That feels a little strange to me.  And a lot natural.  There is no one else I would want with them more than their other mama.

So now you know my story.  Why my life is weird.  It feels very counter to what I've always been told that divorce is supposed to look like.  But I see God in it.  I feel Him moving in my heart.  I see Him in TFOMC and my SO.  Another Woman is experiencing it too.

Last Sunday night I went to a church service with a friend of mine.  The soloist was singing a song about Brokenness.  I had a vision.  I was standing holding hands with TFOMC.  On the other side of him he was holding hands with Another Woman.  On the other side of me I was holding hands with my SO.  And on the other side of him, he was holding hands with TMOHC.  And God was calling out to us, saying "I want to restore you to Me.  Your restoration to me is more important than your marriages.  It's more important that you are in relationship with Me than married."  It was huge for me.  I told my SO and he cried.  I told TFOMC and he cried.  I told Another Woman and she cried.  We have all grown up in this church that has taught us that being married is best, getting a divorce is awful.  God clearly spoke to me and told me that the spiritual awakening I am experiencing is more important than staying married.

My mind has been spinning with this idea.  So I'm telling my story now.  My life is weird.  God is moving in my life.  I am being restored.  And I am at peace.

Happy Valentine's Day!

TFOMC stayed at work late last night (ie drinking beer and eating wings with "the boys") and still wasn't home when I left for work at 9:20.  So he got divorce papers for Valentine's Day.

I feel evil because that makes me a little happy!

I filed!

It was almost anti-climactic to get it done.  The clerk of court was really nice to me.  I had to fill out one more paper and she didn't treat me like an idiot at all.

So the process is officially in motion.  I'm happy.  Elated.

Now I have to read my documents to see what I need to do for my hearing in March.

the long overdue update

Life got really crazy with the holidays.  And my desire to balance normalcy with the fact that a very new kind of normal was on it's way.  So the holiday?  The kids' dad decided that to keep things more normal looking, the kids would pick out  few things for us and we would fill our own Christmas stockings.  Apparently that meant different things to both of us.  Or the fact that He was in a place of still being very pissed at me and my choices.  The day itself was very hard for me.  I'm not sure I should go into it all here. But I was pissed.  At Him.  But I still tried to make it a good day for my kiddos.  They all had a good Christmas.  And that's what really matters, right?

We sat them all down on the 27th to tell them about the decision.  I got to be the lucky one to say the words, "We are getting a divorce."  The reactions were varied.  From no visible reaction to anger and sadness.  One son still really has no negative reaction.  I think he's old enough to know that it will all be OK in the end.  My youngest has had episodes of clinginess.  My middle daughter who has a really hard time with changes and transitions is still having a hard time.  But for now we have settled into a new normal.

I have moved all of my stuff into our basement bedroom.  I have my own space, my own bathroom and a lock on my door.  Their dad gets the little girls ready for school and then leaves for work.  I get up and hang out with the kindergartener in the mornings, take him to school.  Then I am still around in the afternoons to help with homework, carpools, make dinner and oversee the clean up.  Their dad is home around dinner, sometimes earlier or later.  He often does the bedtime thing, but a couple of nights he's working at a brew pub pouring pints so he isn't home until late so I'm the parent on call then.  The hard part has been the weekends.  He's been home.  He's in charge of meals.  What do I do with myself?

I've found this new luxury called "free time".  I do some errands on Saturday.  I've been going to Weight Watchers again to help me stay focused on eating healthy.  (I was losing weight for no apparent reason-HA!)  And then I've spent the past 2 Saturday's heading downtown to see a friend, have lunch, hang out, do whatever I want.  Sunday I go to my new church.  I have my time in the afternoon.  Then I'm back to work on Sunday night and a new week starts.  I'm still finding a balance with being present for my kids and giving them space to be with their dad.

I've always been the one they asked everything of.  Can I have a snack, what's for dinner, can I have a sleep over, can we go somewhere....  And if I am around, they simply won't talk to their dad about any of that.  For a variety of reasons.  I feel like they need to have space to talk to him, that I have to force it or it won't happen.  My room isn't off limits to them if I'm home.  But they don't usually come looking for me.

It's a new family dynamic.  Sometimes it feels like it's working.  Sometimes I feel like the nanny and the maid.  I'm learning to let things go.  A lot of things.  I'm trying to figure a lot of things out.  There's a lot to figure out.

focus

Christmas is coming.  I have 6 kids.  So no matter where my head is these days, I still have to be thinking about them.  And making this a good season to remember for them.  We are both trying to stay focused on them right now.  What will make this memorable for them.  In a good way.

A friend advised me to stay in my house as long as possible.  It will save us money.  Or it will save me money.  And it prolongs things for the kids.  I'm torn about that.  She suggested just moving into a different room.  I've done that.  I sleep in the basement.  And even TFOMC (the father of my children) called the extra room in the basement "my room" the other day.  All the kids now know I sleep there.  I haven't completely moved in there I guess.  My clothes are still in the closet upstairs.  That's where I go to shower.

Would making the move completely downstairs change things enough for me?  Not really....  I want to be out from under the same roof.  I don't want to live in the tension.  But it's good for my kids right now.  And that's my focus for the next few weeks.

The process...what comes next....feels really overwhelming to me.  Both financially and logistically.  Emotionally?  Not so much.  I've been so good at keeping my heart to myself that we feel like really good roommates.  Who co-parent our 6 kids.  And the co-parenting has gotten a lot better in the past few months.  Even if we do have different opinions about the way some things should be.  I'm learning to voice my opinions about the kids more.  I'm learning to share the little things more.  I'm encouraging my kids to share with their dad so he can be closer to them.  All the while pulling further away from him myself.

Life is complicated right now.  I'm just trying to stay focused.

Two years

After I shard my story with some friends, I realized I'm not alone in this struggle.  There are more women out there like me.  Feeling tied to a marriage that isn't working.  But things are complicated.  It looks different for all of us.  And no choices are one size fits all.  I'm glad I can share my story.  And I listen to the story of others to remind me that I will come out on the other side.

I met with a friend the other day that completely understands my story.  It's so beautiful to be with her.  To share the happiness of the moments.  To share the sorrow of the moments.  To look at her and see where I can be some day.  Two years, she said.  Know that things will be in place in 2 years.

So today I'm working on my list of the things I don't want to do.  The things that are hard.  And I'm thinking about what my life will look like in 2 years.

therapy

I'm really good at it.  Even when I don't want to go.

I went Monday and was honest about everything.  Then I left with my appointment for next week scheduled.  Once I started thinking about what I had said there, I started to think about what that all means.  What is my motivation for some of the things I said.

I'm really good at compartmentalizing life.  It's a survival skill I learned early on.  Really early on.  It served me well when I needed it.  And it works now when I have to be a functioning mama in the midst of a crisis.

But yesterday I felt like all my little boxes had been dumped out on the floor and I desperately wanted to put all those pieces away.  Except they were all mixed up.  And so was I.

It's not that I was so quick to stop dealing with my "issues" (for lack of a better word).  But I know that my time in therapy will be very limited in this season and I need to make as much sense of things as I can on my own right now and not wait till next week.

As I put things away, I realized things I am sure of.  Things I don't want to face and need to.  And things I need to face but just can't yet.  I have so many questions about what the next season will look like.  It's not the season I'm looking forward to.  I am looking forward to what comes after that.

So in this moment I am thankful that I have the time to think.  I am thankful for those who really get me.  And I'm thankful for the love and forgiveness I get to experience when I least expect it.

making a list

I'm not a good finisher.  I leave things undone.  My bachelor's degree being probably the biggest thing I've left undone.  Two units.  That's it.  And in ridiculous things.  But that's another story.


I find myself not wanting to end this well.  I find myself looking at the future.  The horizon.  6 months from now.  9 months from now.  A year.  I see good things there.  And I want to focus my attention there.  All of it.

There are details to be done now.  Things that are hard.  Things that I am really really good at avoiding.  Really good.  But to get where I'm headed, I have to do the hard part.

I have to remind myself that it can't be worse than it is now.  Maybe like a shot.  It stings for a second, but it's for my own good?  It may be hard and ugly.  But it already is.  To get to the good part down the road, it might sting a little.

So today I will make a list of what needs to be done to finish well.  Making the list seems overwhelming in an of itself.  But I've come to far to not finish well.

ready to fight

I had to be out of town for a couple of days.  It was my mother in law's 80th birthday.  My brother in law bought a plane ticket for both his brother and I to go out for the event.  It was awkward to say the least.  But I was there for my kids' grandmother.  So I tried to make it about her.

I wanted to post about this last week, but I just didn't have time.  The "ready to fight" mode.  Asking a question that he thought I knew the answer to.  I didn't know.  The answer I got was snappy.  Hurtful.  Not the words but the tone.  We have never fought much.  There were maybe disagreements but I didn't share my feelings, my thoughts.  I wanted to avoid the conflict.  I learned to push it all down and deal with it on my own.  Work through my feelings in a vacuum.  Not good I know.  Which has led me to where I am today.  I know that.  I take full responsibility for that.

But back to this conversation.  I realized that we are both ready to fight.  There is so much anger and hurt there.  From years of not communicating.  In that moment I had my feelings hurt.  Started to cry.   i tried to hide that.  He apologized for his tone.  It was very amicable.  I guess.

This is an ugly time.  It's hard and uncomfortable.  The temptation to make it comfortable, go back to old habits, smooth it over.  That used to be a little nagging feeling I had.  Maybe I should suck it up and just be secretly miserable.  But I can't.  I won't.  I've learned things about myself that I won't give up.  I've learned new ways of being that aren't compatible with my old way of being.  And I prefer this hard path.  The horizon is promising.  It's just getting through the woods now that's hard.

meltdown

Today my youngest had a bit of a meltdown about going to school.  He's 6. In afternoon kindergarten.  He has the morning to stay in his pj's and play.  Do whatever he wants.  I've always liked that laid back schedule for him. Kind of doesn't really feel like my baby is in school yet.

But today he didn't want to go to school.  In all honesty this happens about every third week.  He'd rather stay in his pj's and hang out all day.  I get that.  I think it's totally normal.  Except for today.

Today I started to wonder if it's because he "knows".  According to his father, every mood, every sibling rivalry, every act of disobedience with any of the kids is because they all "know".  I'm not sure how much of that is true.  The oldest one, my 15 year old daughter?  Yeah, she knows.  Because she's almost a woman enough to get it.  She has a lot of the same issues that I do....feeling like she's never good enough, unable to share her true feelings for fear of rejection.  So yeah, she knows.

The others?  Maybe.  I started sleeping in the spare bedroom in our basement a few weeks ago.  I felt like I needed space.  My need to retreat.  Have a place to be without someone coming in.  Most of the kids know I'm sleeping there.  It is quiet.  And I can sleep undisturbed.  An important thing since I work nights and I need to sleep when I can.

Is that why my 6 year old didn't want to go to school today?  Or is that just my guilt kicking in?  Should I feel guilty for sleeping away from their dad?  Is it ok to give myself physical space while I find emotional space?  Am I already ruining everyone's lives?

displaced

For a few years when he was in the pits of his bad depression, I would watch him retreat into himself.  Into the basement.  He spent a lot of time away from us.  He's stopped doing that in the last 18 months or so.  He told me it was because he didn't feel like he had a place.  I had pushed him out.

Part of that is probably very true.  He was emotionally unavailable and not interested in the myriad of mundane things that needed to get done.  But life goes on with children around.  So I did it.  And like my mom who had little support or help from my step dad, I did it on my own without pushing him to be a part. So he began to feel at times that he had no place.

I am beginning to understand that feeling.  The desire to retreat.  After school I was here.  I made dinner.  I helped 2 girls with math homework.  I made sure chores were done.  I watched the little ones make snowflakes and paper chains.  I got a stinky one through the shower.  There was a rhythm here.  It was comfortable.

Then he came in from work.  I think some of the kids said hi.  He sat down at the table with his dinner. There was a little of the "how was your day" exchange.  I cleaned my kitchen and sent some to do a chore.  But then I didn't know what to do with myself.  The radio that was being listened to was turned off in favor of tv.  The vibe that was here was disrupted.

It wasn't angry.  Or mean.  Or unkind in any way.  It was just different.  And I found myself feeling like I didn't have a place.  I texted a friend.  I went for a walk.  I took a shower.  I retreated.

If it were just the 2 of us, him and me, that would be one thing.  But there's a family.  How do I stay connected to them when I so desperately want to be away from him?

where to begin?

I told him I wanted a divorce in September.

I decided for the first time that I didn't want to be married....I'm not even really sure when.  I remember a friend talking me into staying married in March of 2010.  I was turning 40.  I thought maybe it was a midlife thing for me.  But it didn't get better.  To be honest, I'm not sure that it could be better when only one of us knows that this is the last chance to work things out and the other one thinks that the marriage is sufficiently ok.  

But it hasn't been ok for a really long time.  Since the beginning really.  How do you salvage something that was broken so early on?  I won't try to place blame and say it's all his fault.  Because it's not.  In the past few months I've realized that I never meant to marry my father.  But I did.  Not that he tried to control me.  Not so much.  But I could never stand up for myself.  I never felt that my opinions mattered.  That what I thought or wanted was important.  So I let it be whatever he wanted it to be.  Vacations.  How we spent our down time.  Who we were friends with.  I lost myself.  Early on.  Even before I said "I do".  I wanted it to work so much that I did whatever it took to make him happy.

And that has been how it's always been.  If he's in a mood, I can fix it.  Even when I'm in a mood, I try to snap out of it to keep the peace.  I've felt at times that I was always working on keeping it together.  Except when he was at work.  Or out of town.  Then it was easy.  I could be who I wanted. Do what I wanted.  Think what I wanted.

So now I'm in this place.  Of feeling totally unknown by the man I've been with for 20 years, married for over 19 years.  With 6 kids.  How do I extricate myself from this life?  And who am I taking with me?  It's weird to see how lines have already been drawn.  I'm preparing for a fight and hoping that one doesn't come.  Then again, maybe all this pent up anger needs to go somewhere.